Home Thermostats & the Patriarchy

My husband and I disagree on where to set thermostat in our home. We’re both responsible Midwesterners who want to manage our energy consumption without compromising comfort too much, so we avoid extreme settings of frigid air conditioning or equatorial heat. The quibbling is on what’s ideal with those degrees in the middle.

About a year or so ago (or maybe during those COVID work-from-home months) I realized I was sneaking around to adjust the temperature down a degree. I’ve been on this personal journey of noticing my patterns and being “curious,” so I applied my astute non-judgmental lens to unpack my passive-aggressive approach to heat regulation. My pattern seemed ludicrous. I’m a strong-willed person. I generally share my opinions freely. My husband and I communicate well and have a track record of compromise. Yet, in this specific thermostat instance, I was using an uncharacteristically different approach.

Here’s what I came up with. The patriarchy. Wait, don’t leave. Stay with me. In society there are stated values we live by and there are unstated, assumed rules of how thing operate. One of my stated values (from childhood) is that girls and women are equal to boys and men. They should have equal opportunities and influence. Threads of this value can be tracked throughout my life. For example, I was the only girl on my 3rd grade baseball team. I idolized Amelia Earhart, first woman to fly over the Atlantic Ocean. I dreamed of being the next Nancy Drew, girl detective with brains, looks, privilege. I hold an advanced academic degree. I have two daughters who live with strength and compassion. I’ve been involved with women’s leadership organizations. I taught at a women’s college.

But I, like you, also operate with unstated rules. These unstated rules have a purpose…I don’t have brain space to continuously make small decisions, so I have shortcuts (psychologists say heuristics) that structure how things generally work. For example, short cuts guide how things work at home (who cooks; who drives; who does lawn care; who arranges childcare; who manages the map/GPS; etc.). These shortcuts keeps life from becoming too chaotic. But sometimes, those unstated rules stop serving us.

Back to the patriarchy. For me, some unstated rules are connected with my specific religious upbringing. There were strong messages such as “wives, submit to your husbands” and “the husband is the head of the wife.” (Ephesians 5). (note: I’m still a practicing person of faith, but in a different Christian tradition). The patriarchy is an assumed structure of operating where men’s preferences, opinions, and desires are considered most important. A matriarchy would be an assumed structure where women’s preferences, opinions, desires are considered most important. When I found myself sneaking to adjust the temperature to meet my needs, there was an unstated rule that my husband’s temperature preference should override mine. My husband never said that. He would not expect that. But somewhere in my mind was the unstated idea that man of the house had first call on thermostat control. That’s the influence of the patriarchy. It’s part of the scripts that run in my head simply because of the society I operate in. I was completely unaware of the origin of this behavior. The unstated rule caused me to go sneaky in order to meet my own needs rather than having an honest conversation about the temperature comfort level of all household members.

Curious and want to learn more? Take a look at these fictional stories as a starting point.

Read The Power. This 2016 science fiction novel by Naomi Alderman flips our assumed world structure by setting up a world where in adolescence, girls develop a special ability to release electrical jolts from their fingers. The entire structure of the world shifts and girls become the dominant sex. It’s an easy way to start recognizing the unstated rules in our current way of living by noticing what is different in this alternate paradigm.

Watch Mad Men. Steal yourself. This television series is not for the timid (so many cringy moments of how the women are treated). BUT if you can take a student view it’s useful to see this portrayal of roles of men and women in the office and at home from the late 1950s to 1970s. Even comparing the patterns with mainstream corporate America today, there has been a shift in unstated work rules about men and women.

There are many more pop culture references to view. Feel free to add your favorites and other thoughts in the comments. What patterns in your life today are influenced by patriarchy?

By the way, my husband and I worked out the temperature dispute. I won’t say we agree on the ideal setting, but instead of sneaking around to get what I need, I’m entering conversation as an equal.

- Janet Tilstra