How ARE you?

My mother passed away 2 weeks ago. My family (and especially me personally) have been front and center on her care team for 13 years of chronic physical and mental health journeys. This is the first time I’ve said goodbye to a parent and the first time I’ve been at the bedside of someone as they passed.

I am a needle-phobic, medical-procedure-averse person. This trait of mine amused my mother. She was an RN with labor and delivery, ER and OR experience. Her response to INVASIVE procedures was, “Can you move the monitor closer, so I can see what you’re doing?” MY response to ROUTINE procedures was to excuse myself and step out of the room. Let’s be honest, I gag when I have to clean up bodily functions of my cat. So, it’s ironic that I was holding her fluid-filled hand, listening for changes in her breathing, and sitting on her bed as she passed. I think she would have liked that.

The moment of passing was as idyllic as it could be. We sent her out singing It is well with my soul as she took her final breath. All the people who needed to say their goodbyes in person were there and others were en route. We spent the next week with a houseful of people, funeral planning, remembering, laughing, crying, eating pie, and playing dice. The funeral was personal and suited her, from the hot air balloon engraved on her urn, to joyful songs and dice packet SWAG with instructions written in my mother’s handwriting.

I went back to work Monday after the Friday funeral because it seemed like all the grief traditions were completed. We had closure. After a few days back I decided to request more time away. Why? I keep asking myself this question. DO I need more time? I’m not feeling distraught. I can function. I’m accustomed to being a doer and persisting when things are hard. If I’m honest, part of my coping is a full task list and pushing down complicated feelings. So why am I taking more time?

I’m on a journey towards clarity, stillness, and recognizing the range of feelings I experience. This morning, I typed a list of my feelings as they swirled into my mind. If a feeling came to mind again, I typed the word again. Then I hit, generate, and created this word cloud. Bigger words represent feelings that came up repeatedly. This is how I feel. Today. For now.

I’m still not sure WHY I need time away (and yes, I KNOW I don’t need to answer that), but I am certain I do. I’m accepting that ambiguity. As I’ve advised others for years, I’m letting myself feel all the feels.

- Janet Tilstra