Pattern finding: A tool for change

My cat, Mowgli, is an observer of patterns. In the morning, Mowgli jumps on our bed and taps my spouse with a paw to wake up. He expects to get food right away and usually does. Me, he knows NOT to tap. Rather, he follows me as I slide into my walking clothes and slink down the hall. He waits plaintively while I finish my first cup of coffee. Then, he expects food. He’s sorted out our individual human patterns and adjusted his behavior to match.

I love patterns in art and nature - Escher’s lithographs, repeated patterns of light on water, the beauty of birds flying in a group. During my COVID work-from-home adjustments and a subsequent work sabbatical, I’ve had time to consider patterns within myself – interpersonal patterns, internal narratives, behavior patterns. Some of these patterns are not admirable, so I committed to maintain a neutral perspective…noticing, not judging the goodness or badness of my patterns.

A pattern-finding tool I use is mental noting. During my morning walk my mind tends to track in overdrive reviewing things that happened, planning things coming up, worrying about things I feel compelled to fix. Noting is a practice where you label a thought with a single word, then let it pass. For example, planning, judging, worrying, etc. This simple exercise keeps me from deep dive rumination. It has helped me recognize my common thought patterns, which relate to common behavior patterns, and in turn how I approach daily life.

I’m noticing that when life feels out of control, I kick into planning and fixing mode. This can show up as being hypercritical as I look for problems to fix or inserting myself to solve problems that are not my responsibility. Pattern finding builds in a pause where I observe the pattern, label it, and take a beat before acting.

Psychologists will explain that our mental patterns relate to internal narratives mapped out from early experiences, families of origin, and the messages of our culture. In the words of philosopher, Krishnamurti: 'You might think you're thinking your own thoughts. You're not. You're thinking your culture's thoughts.”

For example, my mental pattern of planning originates from these (and other) internal mental narratives:

1. You should be high achieving, yet humble.

2. If you’re not sure you can do it well, don’t try it.

3. You need to be effortlessly beautiful, talented, congenial at all times.

America Ferrara’s monologue in the movie Barbie (highly recommend!), was particularly powerful because it articulated these uniform cultural messages that translate into internal dialogues plaguing most women in 2023.

As I wrap up this essay, a mental script related to writing is surfacing: “Make sure you have a takeaway.” (I’m wrestling with that one, because some topics cannot be pulled together with a tidy bow, but for now I’ll embrace it.)

What’s my takeaway? Noting your mental patterns with suspended judgment can be a powerful way to understand your most common internal dialogues AND implicit expectations of your culture. For me, the practice of noting has created space to consider how those internal messages impact my actions, which of those messages continue to serve me, and which ones are open for revision. Thanks for reading!

- Janet Tilstra