The Neutral Zone

I’ve been wrestling recently with changes in my post-menopausal body. Like many women, I swim in the waters of western culture and have battled self-criticism about my appearance since childhood. At 55, I am a progressive-minded feminist and cognitively, I can articulate the ridiculousness of societal pressures for women to maintain idealized bodies. I LOVE that companies like Universal Standard carry sizes 00-40W and have adverts showing their clothing on a range of body types. I’m quick to push back or change the topic when I hear comments of concern that someone has gained weight. I avoid complimenting people for losing weight. I’m excited by the body positivity movement and seeing greater representation of all types of bodies in the media. I defend Lizzo’s right to wear a thong regardless of her size and shape.

All that is true and at the same time, I face emotional challenges viewing my own body as it changes. I’ve never been bothered by smile lines, but some days I obsess over skin changes and a sagging neckline. I view the texture of my legs from multiple angles and try to recall when I first could “pinch more than an inch.” I wonder about the person I perceive myself to be, in contrast to the middle-aged woman I glimpse in the mirror. Instagram seems to know my demographic and reminds me daily of potential surgical and non-surgical solutions.

Recently I was introduced by my daughter to the concept of Body Neutrality. This concept is offered as an alternative to self-hate or body positivity. Self-hate, that’s clearly not a good thing, but what’s wrong with body positivity? Well sometimes, it feels false. Some days I don’t feel happy or positive about my body.

The phrase, The Neutral Zone, was sticking in my head and being a reasonably conscientious writer, I did a quick search to find out more. Google led me to a Star Trek fandom site (one never knows where wisdom hides). According to Memory Alpha Fandom, The Neutral Zone (Circa 1988) is described as a space serving as a buffer between civilizations with contentious relationships. In this zone, military installations and activities are forbidden. The war is not over, but the neutral zone is conflict free. Similarly, body neutrality offers me an in-between space where I need not hate my body, but I need not falsely cheerlead it either. Neutrality does not mean apathy, but more of a noting of the feelings vs. ruminating on my thoughts with layers of judgment (In my greatest hits…“if onlys” or “what ifs”).

Body neutrality is an aspirational state for me. I’m constantly pulled to assign strong feelings about the experiences of my changing body. I strive towards viewing my body as a vessel that holds ME - A structure that allows me to FUNCTION in the world. Some days my body is a place of energy and hope. Some days a place of fatigue or pain. Some days the center of anxiety or indignation. With a mindset of neutrality, I can observe these experiences in a safe, conflict-free zone that doesn’t ascribe personal moral failing to my current state of mind.

In Star Trekland, the neutral zone represents a place where cooperation can occur. Each opposing side wields its strength, but allegiances are put aside momentarily in this designated space. In my Body Neutral Zone, my body criticism (intending to motivate me) and my body positivity (intending to celebrate me) can take a break. I can just. be. me.

- jt