The Way You Make Me Feel

My mother moved from an assisted living apartment to a memory cottage a few months ago. Her community of peers now includes many people experiencing cognitive decline of different levels. While my mother is squarely oriented to person, place, and (most days) time (who she is, where she is, and what day it is), some of her peers experience an altered reality.

What you need to know about me:

1. I like nuanced, intelligent conversation.

2. I like meeting and learning about people.

3. I dislike games of chance and mediocre food.

4. I like to be in control of outcomes and spur innovation.

What I’m learning from my visits to the memory cottage.

1. Joy comes in small moments of connection or laughter.

2. Being kind is often more important than being right.

3. Games of chance level the playing field for people with different cognitive abilities.

4. People experiencing cognitive changes can be delightful, clingy, stoic, frustrated, reserved, friendly, suspicious, hospitable, and a range of other traits. They are not a monolithic group.

5. Sometimes it works best to go with the flow.

6. Intelligence and warmth are two different things.

7. Being served a meal by people who know and care about you makes mediocre food taste better.

Several years ago, I heard about use of Applied Improvisation with people experiencing dementia. Applied Improvisation is a way of interacting where each person’s offer of interaction is considered a gift. The receiver is committed to build upon the initial statement of the sender by listening, agreeing, and adding information. This is referred to as “yes and...” and is in contrast to a corrective stance (“yes, BUT…” or “no…” or “well yes, but…”). By receiving the statement without question, the receiver is graciously accepting a gift and then offering connection through a gift of conversation back.

When waiting for my mother to come out of her room at the cottage, I piloted this approach with a delightful resident I’ll call Gary.

• Gary: I like your shoes! (I was wearing bright red sling back shoes on a cool Minnesota day)

• Me: Thanks, I like them too! I’m ready for spring!

• Gary: Aren’t your feet cold?

• Me: Yes…and I’m still going to wear these shoes. I’m done with boots.

• Gary: I’m ready to go out for a drive. I might get a new car.

• Me: You’re feeling restless?

• Gary: Yes, my wife is working a lot these days and she always has the car.

• Me: So you’d like a car of your own.

• Gary: Yes…say are you still dating that same fella?

• Me: I’m married! (I didn’t say…31 years this May 😊)

• Gary: You’re married!? Wow!

• Me: Yes, his name is Dave, he’s great.

• Gary: Well of course he’s great, he’s married to a wonderful woman!

How I felt: connected, validated, liked

How I think Gary felt: engaged, connected, valued

Imagine an alternate scenario without a commitment to “yes and…

• Gary: I like your shoes! (me wearing bright red sling back shoes on a cool Minnesota day)

• Me: Thanks, I like them too! I’m ready for spring!

• Gary: Aren’t your feet cold?

• Me: Yes…but I’m still going to wear these shoes. I’m done with boots.

• Gary: I’m ready to go out for a drive. I might get a new car.

• Me: Gary, I don’t think they will let you drive around here. You have to stay in the cottage.

• Gary: My wife is working a lot these days and she always has the car.

• Me: I think your wife was here last week. I’m sure she’ll visit when she has time. She can probably drive you somewhere if you want to go.

• Gary: Yeah, I guess…say are you still dating that same fella?

• Me: Gary, I’m 54 years old. I’ve been married for 31 years!

• Gary: Oh, I’m sorry, I think I forgot.

• Me: I don’t think you’ve met my husband, his name is Dave, he’s great.

• Gary: Well of course he’s great, he’s married you!

The way I might feel: superior, corrective, sympathetic, pity for Gary

The way Gary might feel: shut down, corrected, small, treated like a child

Applied Improvisation (AI) is a layer of change I’m adopting in multiple parts of my life. Professionally I’ve been embedding Applied Improvisation exercises into classroom teaching. I’ve spearheaded some faculty training in these methods. I sprinkle AI methods into my conversations. The potential outcomes are compelling. Research suggests that individuals who use AI experience increased flexibility of communication, deeper empathy towards others, more comfort and calm in uncomfortable situations, and greater ability to handle change and unexpected events.

The world could use a little more "yes and…."

- Janet Tilstra